Being grateful is such a great feeling to sink into. Needless to say that I am entirely grateful for all that’s happened to me. Big or small. Occupied or vacant. Downfalls and setbacks. Joy and success. Nothing makes me more glad than to ever so slightly reflect on what I have been through, and grateful of, up to this point. This post will at least, create a small portion of justification upon what I needed to let out and share. For of course, I am not fully ready to give myself in completely 100% out in the open like this. Perhaps some other time.
If you’re somewhat interested in reading a small fragment of my huge jumbled piece of mind, then read on. Be my guest. Posts like this don’t normally happen on my blog. I’m not forcing you to, though. The choice is yours to make. My role here is to write, and I intend to keep it that way.
I’ll start with a highlight story that had unexpectedly flew my life over recently.
And it starts, with a decision.
It was a couple of months back, when I received word from my counselling teacher, that an extremely common, yet well-known entrepreneurship oriented university in my city announced that they will be giving out scholarships, divided by a certain amount of categories, based on the grades achieved by the student’s most recent semester (in this case, it was meant to be the 2nd semester of 11th grade). The highest bid on the list was getting a fully paid amount of scholarship within a range of 91-100 total score on a report card. I immediately stormed in my teacher’s office to request the final score of mine that day. I almost believed that there was a slight possibility for me to attain such a score, remembering that I have been working so hard for the stability of my grades last semester.
But guess what?
The number 90 laid bare on the screen, whereas I was only able to fit the category where I would still be receiving the scholarship, but not quite the 100% deal I was expecting of. I was one point short to obtaining the one thing I desired most. I mean, having to go to school for free, would mean the world not just for me, but my parents as well. The designated money for university can certainly be used for plenty other things. At that moment, a thought stroke to me like an epiphany, that I was going to get there. I will acquire that 100% scholarship, and not a single point will ever stop me from getting otherwise. I needed to contact a spokesperson of that university. Stat.
Long story short, just right after I registered myself online, and after several conversations that occurred with the spokesperson regarding me getting a fully paid scholarship despite what happened, it was said that I was required to write an essay written on why I should deserve that scholarship, and a portfolio that contains all the stuff that I’ve been doing during the past couple years I’ve spent in high school. I was eager to start writing about what I’ve accomplished so far on paper, and was more ever than not, hopeful for whatever comes next.
Needless to say, spending an entire day working on an essay and portfolio that speaks for the next 4 forthcoming years of my future wasn’t easy. I spent practically hours typing in front of the screen, inserting every little event, work, and experiences (competitions) on my portfolio, and brainstorming to create the most righteous, convincing essay one could ever write to receive a full scholarship to their studies. Who would’ve known? I believe I’ve done quite a good job upon writing it, though it may not ever be considered as the best essay you’ll come across from a 17 year old, but boy oh boy, at least I tried my best.
Fingers crossed and all, I sent all the required documents to the university’s email that day, and felt a certain pang of anxiousness during the waiting days that counted after.
What if I don’t get the scholarship? Will I end up disappointing my parents? Will I still be able to be grateful of the person I am who failed? We’ll just have to wait and see.
A reply came in shortly, telling me to directly come to the campus for an interview with the lecturer himself. I was overwhelmed. Terrified at most, and nervous. He was a Harvard graduate, which instantly lowered my self confidence to the abyss of my ocean of doubt. But alas, turning back was not an option. I chose to set all that anxiety aside and continued to ready myself with this interview.
The whole interview was done in English, to be frank with you, it was more of a conversation, judging by the way things went. Turns out, he and I had so much in common. He is a lover of literature, and by all means, a writer as well. His current position takes control of all the technicalities that revolve around the major he’s being put in charge with, which also happens to be the major of my choice. I should be seeing him in class by the 7th to 8th semester near the end of my college education. He even handed me his business card, and told me a brief background of his life of how he ended up becoming a lecturer in the first place. He told me that I should be notified whether or not I got what I wanted in a matter of 5 working days. That shouldn’t take too long, I thought. I was still doubtful though, because I couldn’t properly answer that one question he directed at me at the peak of the interview that day:
Who do you see yourself in 5 years?
The first few times I tackled on the question was by answering it generally: I will own a company of my own business, and struggle with it until I succeed or I will attempt on making my parents proud of who I am by pushing myself to the limits of my ability or I will create something that is different from the others. So yeah. Several cheesy, plain, mainstream, and unsatisfying answers later, the lecturer told me that I sounded “fake”. Like it wasn’t something that came directly from the heart. He judged me this way fairly by comparison to the moments where I talked about writing so passionately before, and that he saw no spark on my answers that determines the bulk of whether or not I am to deserve this.
I almost lost count on the number of times I re-answered. Because truth be told: I still don’t know. There was only one way to try and explain myself over the answer to that burning question of his, and that was none other than to be honest.
That was that, I went ahead with the oblivious answer of not knowing what I will be in the 5 years to come. It felt dreadful, knowing that reality decided to adjust itself with my current state of mind that day. I felt weak all of a sudden, and once again scared of screwing this whole thing up. I kept thinking during the days that followed, trying to at least overlook the 5 coming years of that person staring back at the mirror would look like. And yet still, there was no sign of affirmative confirmation of what lies ahead at the moment.
There was pretty much nothing else for me to do but pray. Wait for something to happen. I plead to God for a heart that sincerely accepts, a heart that is able to embrace whatever the decision is made be. Above all else, a heart that is grateful for any type of result it was yet to receive in final.
Bless the Lord, oh my soul, for God is good. All the time. And all the time, God is good.
Words can never truly describe my gratefulness during the following days when it was announced: I got the scholarship.
I leaped myself for joy, I couldn’t even contain myself that very moment during which I first heard it on the phone. All that hard work, simply paid off with such a massive blessing like this. I can’t even. I don’t understand. I thought my answer to that question would ruin my chances of claiming my one desired goal, but it didn’t.
God really is the One who provides, I reminded myself. My Father who leads, who fulfills promises. Whose love goes on and on and on without ever turning to stop.
From there I start to realize. It really is alright to those of you who still don’t have quite much figured out, especially within a specific range of 5 years. Things may shift within that period of time, and that really happens a lot in majority. What matters is that you try your best, to pursue what you can. See where that leads. And more importantly, let’s not forget:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11
Until next time,
This was by far, one of the longest posts I have ever written. I can see myself transitioning as I go, within each published one here. I’m especially glad to have arrived this far. I am not here to brag, nor to boast about anything for that matter. It just so happens that, something triggered from within for me to write this.
I hope you’ll gain something after reading this. Thank you to those of you who made it this far. I’m exceptionally grateful that you spared a brief amount of time in reading this.
Shoutout to Jesus, my Daddy who ceaselessly provides. Wherever, whenever, and whatever I need from time to time. For He was the One who made everything, including this post, possible.
And I would never have wanted it any other way.